Giving Voice- EmpowerSurvivors 2016 - www.EmpowerSurvivors.net
I sat crying ,looking at my feet ,in the therapists office as my husband explained to the therapist why we had missed our last marriage counseling appointment. Here, in this darkened room, I sat listening to the two of them talking as I felt myself not even really there. I had never felt so sick, so tired, so numb and detached, so alone. I felt dead, like a dead man walking.
The week before I had been at mass with my kids when I started to feel like I was having a heart attack. I didn't know if I would make it through mass and before I knew it I was up at the local hospital laying in the ICU, wires attached with a heart rate that wouldn't go lower then a resting rate of 150. I had no idea what was happening. I made the choice not to call my family. If I was dying I wanted to die alone and not have anyone see my like this. There I laid , a nurse sitting by my bedside asking where my family was , and me trying not to be afraid.
As my husband spoke to our therapist all I could do was look at my shoes, hoping I wouldn't throw up or fall over from the dizziness that seemed to consume.
Eventually there was silence. My husband and our therapist walked out of the room only to have our therapist return by himself. He shut the door , walked to his chair, sat down, and there we sat. Him in his office chair and me on the couch. Silence, then the tears and then the words.
I was just shy of my 43rd birthday and here I was in a therapy office crying like a child while my therapist sat across from me in silence. Eventually he told me there was nothing I couldn't tell him, nothing to be afraid of, that I was safe.
For a long time there was just continued silence except for my tears and eventually I spoke the words I was so afraid to say..........I was raped, I said. I was sexually abused as a child and when I tried to tell no one believed me.
This is when my healing journey began. I was 43 years old and this is when my time had come. I had been triggered badly from circumstances in my present life and now for the first time I was giving voice to what happened so long ago.
After that day ,came flashbacks, intrusive thoughts,suicidal thoughts anxiety attacks, and what I felt was a living hell but I was processing. I was processing the things that I thought no one could ever know. Processing the hurts, blame, shame, lies and self hate I had for so many years.
It was not easy but I was doing it.
Today more then ever I am thankful for that day in the therapy office where in that " safe space" I was able to begin giving voice to all that was hidden and buried for so long. This is how it starts to heal. It hurts like holy hell but giving voice to the abuse of the past is where the healing road begins.
For years I went to therapy. For a long time 1 day a week for therapy , one day for EMDR, and one day a week for group therapy. I never thought I would make it through those days but I did and you can too. I still have my bad days but my life is no longer that dark painful place where I wondered if I would make it to the end of the day.
If you are a survivor of childhood sexual abuse get support, get help and begin by giving voice. You are not alone. We are here beside you walking this journey with you, thinking of you.
Join me and fellow survivors on November 5, 2016 in Stillwater,MN for a conference dedicated to childhood sexual abuse, survivors and community. Purchase tickets by going to our conference page on our EmpowerSurvivors website. www.EmpowerSurvivors.net or go to our event page at
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/giving-voice-empowersurvivors-2016-tickets-22087475233?aff=ebrowse
Hope to see you there!
Elizabeth
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